Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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