great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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