he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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