i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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