The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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