If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
