I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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