I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
