I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
