she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
