I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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