I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
