ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
