The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
