Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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