I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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