Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
