So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
