And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You've changed since you got that strap on
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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