i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
