Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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