I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
