she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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