I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
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Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
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You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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