then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
