I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
