I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
