Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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