i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
