God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
