my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
