one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
