Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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