I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
