a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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