it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
