Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
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My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
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You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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