I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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