guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
