a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
