Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
