i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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