remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my shit smells like andre
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
