you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
