So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
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We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My feet surprised me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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