how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
