The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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