If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
