So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All I want is dick and wine.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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