Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
