she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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