i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
