Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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