I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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