the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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