The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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