You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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